“what’s it like having a sister?”
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.