For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
tourist season
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.