grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Why am I like this?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]