hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Omg 🤣
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups