As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.