the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]