Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
You Might Also Like
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet