The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
This is my brand.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Cat.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.