landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?