Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
You Might Also Like
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.