horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo