Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
what are they serving at kfc then???
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese