Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*