Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.