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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My neck my back my allergy attack
それは草
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.