People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
dam girl
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.