centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.