My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”