It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.