You Might Also Like
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats