I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You Might Also Like
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.