ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Its true…
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.