Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.