Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.