Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
It’s the weekend y’all
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“