My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You Might Also Like
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).