“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Monday
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
And now we wait
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what