Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.