me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
He a real one for that
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.