“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
If looks could kill
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.