People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
#SuperBowl
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.