Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.