Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.