Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating