The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.