All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
awesome draft from months ago i just found
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
RT if you could go either way.