My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.