iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!