ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
sensitive skin
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”