HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.