Brother?
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
every college guy’s fridge
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I have never heard an armadillo before.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.