Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?