Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”