This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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I think this should do it.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I need to update my racial profile.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”