him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Made something I’m not proud of
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*