Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My inexpensive home security system…
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
😍😂🥰😂😍
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.