Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Eggs benadryl my favourite
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.