Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I have many caverns
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
This could be us… but you playing
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH