Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf