Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.